On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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