Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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