I could make wine with my vomit
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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