i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I know her cup size but not her name....
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