Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
