yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
