I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
