omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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