Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
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