I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
