Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
