Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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