Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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