The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
