Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
