They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
