He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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