How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Duck Duck Cougar?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I have tasted many bathrooms
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
