Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
