youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
