Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
