is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
