Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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