i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Who died my cat blue again?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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