i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
