girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
