i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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