oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
