just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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