You're my little dorito
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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