Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm passing your future prison.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
