Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
