i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
