Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Someone shattered a urinal.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
