i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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