making cat noises will not fix the situation.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
