You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
