No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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