I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
