Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
