Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
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Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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