I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
