If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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