I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
