Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
