i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
