Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
