Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
