I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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