Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
