i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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