I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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