We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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