why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He kissed a someone with a penis
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
