Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
